scratching my niches: #11
let's move
Greetings friends šŖ© š„¶
Itās a cool, crisp new year and Iām excited to dive in.
Embracing and leveraging constraints is atop my list of aspirational principles to experiment with, and Iāve given myself an hour to sit down and write this (spoiler: I failed).
Iāve been working through a bigger piece that started quite small but kept evolving, and far more than an hour went into it.
At first, it was simply to reflect on these magical moments of parenthood Iāve been blessed with during this sadadical year ā the laughs, the ups and downs, how much Iāve learned about myself in the processā¦
But it soon became necessary to describe how through this opportunity and corresponding challenge came such clarity that it was the right path. How it informed, guided and helped conceive my coaching practice (which needed a proper announcement and explanation).
To talk about that, Iād have to unpack the process of leaving behind the corporate world I was familiar with ā where I had a clear and accepted identity, but a perpetual feeling of misalignment.
Oh, and I still didnāt capture the messy middle of the actual transition, this shift from a known to unknown, or even scratch the surface on the internal tension of why am I so tied to even needing an identityā¦
Confused yet?
All I knew for certain was that the stacks of paper and piles of notes were getting thicker and thicker.
Casual introspection and gratitude turned into pretty intense self-exploration, and I was soon revisiting (and questioning) nearly every major milestone of my life since childhood. The urge to consider all of it in order to find certainty became impossible.
As I stewed in this tension, while it felt so hard to explain, it was far easier to feel. And though I didnāt distill it down perfectly into words, I felt the realization of what might be missing.
It was something around letting go of the need to find an answer/explain, and surrendering to a belief. But what answer am I seeking? And a belief in what?
Instead of trying to figure out, I tried just to focus on that feeling and how and where it was moving through me. The idea of doing this seemed so illogical and nonsensical, the skeptic in me thought I was losing itā¦
āfeel it? wtf do you even mean?ā
ājust sit down and write and be content with what comes out.ā
ādude, youāre diving into the woowoo deepend.ā
āstop overcomplicating it. brief story on what drove you to change, and what youāre doing now. go.ā
āwhat are you resisting? where is the tension?ā
Fast forward a few weeks, itās the eve of my 37th birthday and I planned to spend the entire day writing ā I even got a remote cabin in the woods.
The task at hand was writing my bio and story for my website, which to me felt like the static culmination of all of this tension.
Most of the morning I thought about how much I hate bios. Weāre not a list of nouns or accomplishments. We are verbs, constantly evolving. How could I capture that?
The cynical side of me saw bios as simply made up stories we want others to believe are true. I couldnāt do that, it had to feel authentic, and every variation up to this point didnāt.
How can I write what feels true when I still donāt know it yet!? I was still stuck so I went for a hike.
When I got back to the cabin and cleaned up, I thought an early dinner and change of scenery would do me good. I ditched the notes, grabbed a few blank sheets of paper instead, and went to a tavern down the road.
I sat down in the corner and took in the scene around me ā woodsy vibes with plenty of taxidermied animals, portraits of frontiersmen and alpinists, lively groups of friends and families, and a couple fellow lone rangers at the bar.
After I placed my order and returned the menu, I looked up to this ceramic deer gazing into my eyes.
Once I stopped laughing, I snagged this pic, and grabbed my pen.
Finally, I felt the tension start moving.
āWhat am I selling?ā was the first thing I wrote, and the rest poured out.
I wonāt detail the full unraveling, but it certainly wasnāt a static, linear, singular process. Here are some bullet points:
What Iām Selling = My Process = My Story
Process of development and growth
Recognizing strengths and weaknesses
Having a hard time selling becauseā¦.
I donāt fully believe in myself yet
BUT I believe in the process & journey
Successful, whole-hearted, confident selling hinges uponā¦
Commitment, Trust, and Belief in SELF
But I am still living with the doubts
Why the lack of trust in myself historically?
Starts with acceptance, but instead Iāve been trying to fix or overcome
Since a young age was told iām moving too much
impulsive outbursts in attempt to be funny, be liked, connect
learned how important is was to please others and control what was āwrong with meā
Trying to be something else for a long time, rejecting parts that are core to who I am
worked hard to stay on a forward path, but with a constant questioning of everything I did
Everything I feel I need to write is convincing myself that Iām enough
The completed, static bio wasnāt finished that night. I didnāt need to go through each preceding step leading up to that and describe them all in detail either.
As soon as I opened that box it wasnāt just one story, but a thousand little stories that created me and there will be a thousand more as we go.
I don't need to make them all smaller and in a distinct way in order to sell you something. That's what I did for years as the masked avenger in corporate america (jk kinda).
Now I'm just committed to the evolving and unfolding and dynamic nature of it all. In myself, in my clients, everything.
Through this process I remembered I'm not a static person. I've never been static person since the day I entered this world. I've been constantly moving.
It felt like a big realization ā āI want to talk about this one thing. Let me open this static box and describe itā¦ā then boom, Iām flooded with connections. All these pieces moving around.
āIf I could only contain thatā¦ā
No. If I could just let it move.
What if all the movement ā that Iāve been subconsciously suppressing in so many ways ā is what made me better?
I could embrace that intensity, curiosity, drive, creativity, speed, love, strength, adventure, movementā¦ and channel it into how I live and appreciate my life.
Experience all of it, gratefully ā the struggle because I choose it; the joy because I pause to feel it.
Hereās to moving from these static boxes of our bios, of who we are, or what we're creating, and into the dynamic living and evolving that is available for all of us.
It was my time with my girls, all the learnings from this great year and beyond that showed me this. Discovering thereās a lot of creative tension inside with a lot to say.
I'm excited to take you down the many different rabbit holes traveled, and I hope youāll join me here.
For those that donāt yet know, Iām coaching adults and teenagers with ADHD and Iāve started my own small practice, currently working with a few clients.
Iāve also joined an incredible team at Along Their Way that Iām so excited to continue to learn and grow with. They offer a wider variety of services including parent coaching, internal family systems (IFS) work, couples ā if interested, check it out!
Lastly, Iām going to be opening up availability for two new coaching slots ā one will be 1:1 work, and the other will be group coaching. If you know anyone that may be interested, I would love to connect! Or if you passed this along to anyone you know š
Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate you! Cheers to 2024.